It is often hard to know what to say to a friend who has lost a loved one to suicide. Though you cannot make the pain go away, your support can be key to helping your friend through this difficult loss. There are many ways to help. Listed below are a few strategies that may be useful when supporting your friend:
Often, what a grieving person needs most is a willing friend who can be there. For a friend, this often means being able to sit with the grieving person and listen to his/her feelings in a nonjudgmental way, without trying to problem-solve. Though it can be awkward or uncomfortable when you don't know what to say, in most cases what is needed is just a pair of ears that is willing to hear a friend's story. Below are some strategies for talking with a friend:
LISTEN: Be an active listener. Though it can be difficult to know what to say to your friend, being able to listen effectively is most important. Often finding the right words is less important than letting your friend express him/herself and share with you the nature of the loss. It's not unusual for well-meaning people to avoid talking about suicide or mentioning the deceased person, thinking this is helping. However, the grieving person often needs to feel that others are willing to acknowledge the truth of the situation.
While you should never try to force your friend to open up when h/she is not ready, being able to have this conversation when they are ready is important. Being able to discuss the enormity of the loss without being afraid and showing you can be there with their pain can be one of the most helpful things a friend can do.
If you notice any of the following warning signs after the initial loss, especially if they continue for more than two months, encourage your friend to seek professional help.
It can be hard to know how to bring up your concerns with your friend. If you're worried about being perceived as invasive, use the following approach. Instead of telling your friend what to do, try stating your own feelings: "I am worried that you aren't sleeping. There are resources on campus that can help you."
If you continue to be concerned about your friend in distress, contact the UT Behavior Concerns Advice Line at 512-232-5050, which is accessible 24/7/365 and staffed by trained professionals.
If a friend is considering suicide, get professional help right away. If s/he is in a life-threatening emergency, or if you're concerned that a friend may act soon on his/her suicide plan, call 911.
Another helpful way to support a friend is to suggest resources for counseling and suicide survivor support group resources. Sometimes it can be helpful for survivors of suicide to connect to others who have experienced the same type of loss as they have. As a friend, you may also need additional support. The following emotional support resources are available to help you and your friend.
UT Counseling and Mental Health Center
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, visit Coping With Losing a Friend or Family Member to Suicide for helpful information and resources.
For the Love of Christi
American Association of Suicidology. (2007). Survivors of Suicide Fact Sheet. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=257&name=DLFE-457.pdf
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (2010), Surviving a Suicidal Loss. In Resource and Healing Guide. Retrieved May 23, 2013, from https://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide/where-do-i-begin/resource-and-healing-guide
Feigelman W., Gorman, B. (2008). Assessing the Effects of Peer Suicide on Youth Suicide. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior 38(2).
Harvard Health Publicatic. (2009) Left behind after suicide. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletters/Harvard_Womens_Health_Watch/2009/July/Left-behind-after-suicide
Jackson, J. (2003). SOS Handbook. American Association of Suicidology. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf
Kovac, S., Range, M. (2000). Writing Projects: Lessening Undergraduates' Unique Suicidal Bereavement. Suicide And Life-Threatening Behavior 30(1).
Sherer, K. (1999). Life After Loss Dealing with Grief [Pamphlet]. UT Counseling and Mental Health Center.
National Institute for Mental Health [Online]. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/topics/topic-page-suicide-prevention.shtml
Schnider, K., Elhai, D. (2007). Coping Style Use Predicts Posttraumatic Stress and Complicated Grief Symptom Severity Among College Students Reporting a Traumatic Loss. American Psychology Association Vol. 54, No. 3, 344-350.
Smith, M., Segal, J. (2013) Supporting a Grieving Person, Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm
Tesh, M. (2008) Let's Talk About It: A Primer for When Someone You Love has Died By Suicide. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-74.pdf
Tesik, J. [Online]. Survivors of Suicide: Beyond Surviving. Retrieved May 23, 2013 from http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/beyond_surviving.shtml
Some strategies to be an active listener include:
Comments to avoid when comforting a friend:
WATCH FOR WARNING SIGNS:
It is not uncommon for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, angry, or disconnected from others. If the intensity of these emotions does not ease in time, professional mental health resources can help. Sometimes someone who has experienced a loss by suicide will have suicidal thoughts him/herself. It is important to know the warning signs of suicide and, should you feel concerned, to ask your friend directly about thoughts of suicide.
Resources for Emotional Support
On Campus Resources:
Individual counseling
CMHC Crisis Line
Grief and Loss group
Remember:
Off Campus Resources - Survivors of Suicide Support Groups:
My Healing Place
Survivors of Suicide - Austin
If you'd like to find a support group in your hometown, click here.
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